Yes, Virginia, There Is A Hipster Santa Claus, And He’s From Grand Rapids!
DEAR JOJO: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Hipster Santa Claus.
Papa says, ‘If you hear it on the Jojo Show, it’s so.’
Please tell me the truth; is there a hipster version of Santa Claus?
115 Fountain Street NE.
VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which prefers their coffee hand grown by fair trade sherpas in Tibet, fed to feral cats and then pooped out, roasted and brewed.
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Hipster Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as craft beer and mustache wax and the Sidebar exist (it does, really, I swear! It was just closed that one time I tried to get you in!), and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest, albeit a bit twee, authentic Indie rock on 88.1.
Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no long lines at Maru Sushi or parking issues in Eastown. It would be as dreary as if there were no Pickwick Bar.
There would be no faith in the vegan lifestyle then, no gluten free bread, no vinyl records played on a retro turntable to make tolerable this existence. We should have no Uber, people practicing in the gig economy, raising mushrooms for their daily pay, except for those using the free wi-fi at Madcap to sell their wares. The eternal light (burning with 100% pure 19th century Kerosene, not that crap they sell at Home Depot) with which the hipster lifestyle fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Hipster Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in beards! You might get your papa to hire men watch him hack your home security system on Christmas Eve, because there's no way Hipster Santa Claus is wrinkling his tight suit or soiling his bow tie by going down your chimney. But even if they did not see Hipster Santa Claus rewrite that code, what would that prove?
Nobody sees Hipster Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Hipster Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see hippies dancing in the rain at Woodstock? (Your Grampa claims he did, but has he ever been sober since 1972?) Of course not, but that’s no proof that they weren't there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may Google a negative meme on Instagram and see who originally posted it, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not even guys who do CrossFit, nor even the united strength of all the Hot Yogis that ever lived, could tear apart. Only full beards, open mic nights, figure drawing at a burlesque show, and pour over coffee can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural smarm and condescendence beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
Hipster Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, and he will continue to make you feel bad about eating all those carbohydrates!
Jojo (with tremendous apologies to Francis Pharcellus Church)
Hipster Santa Claus will be available for photos on Saturday, December 9 at 10:00am at the 6.25 Paper Studio, 40 Monroe Center NW.
Reserve a photo time with him here.
While you're there, remember December 9 is the Monroe Center Holiday Open House, where the merchants will have specials for you all day until 5:00pm!
Please shop local this Christmas, or Hipster Santa will leave a six pack of Coors Light in your stocking.