Drunk Kalamazoo Man Poops On His Own Car

Don't worry, it was a PT Cruiser, so it deserved it.

Conservation Officers Approached A Man Who Claimed He Was 'Listening To Owls'

In a report that was filed by DNR Conservation Officers Cameron Wright and Joshua Salas in DNR District 7, a man was approached in the Gourdneck State Game Area, just east of US 131 in Kalamazoo County earlier this month, and asked why he was there in the early morning hours.

The man snapped back that he was listening to owls and demanded that he be left alone. After spying an open car of Natural Light in the vehicle, an officer asked him how drunk he thought he was on a scale of one to ten. The man, now aggravated, said he was at 'about at a five.'

After a pause, he then added, 'I'll be honest with you, I'm drunk'.

It was at this point, things got weird.

The Man Suddenly Pulled His Pants Down And Pooped On His Own Car

According to the report:

The COs told the man to shut the vehicle off and began conducting SFSTs. Partway through SFSTs, the man made a face of shock and suddenly grabbed his rear end. Before the COs could say anything, the man had dropped his pants to his ankles and began defecating on the rear bumper of his PT Cruiser.

But the fun was just beginning.

The man was taken by the officers to a nearby hospital for a blood draw. While one officer checked the GPS, the man chided him saying, 'I’m the drunk one here and I have to give you directions on how to take me to jail you moron.'

And then while giving blood to the nurse, the man then said it wasn't blood they were taking at all but 'Pure. Natural. Ice.'

Of course it was, everyone knows Natty Ice will mess you up if you drink an entire twelve pack. Allegedly.

The man was taken to Kalamazoo County Jail pending charges.

This is a teachable moment, kids. First, get something better to drink than Natty Ice when going out owl listening. And second, don't poop on your own car. Excuse yourself, and go dig a hole in the woods. Thank you.