Giving Your Cat Medicine is Big Trouble

I bring this up because our cat, Stewart has an eye infection and we have to try to give him medicine for this.  And, I say TRY in the strongest of terms.  What a battle!  We get it done, but sometimes I wonder how.

So, for all cat-lovers out there, and the ones in the same pickle we are, I thought I would offer my, well-experienced, advice on How to Give a Cat A Pill.

How to give a cat a pill:

First, pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly. 
Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. 
Wrap cat in    large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw

Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.

Get another pill. 

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for  RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A    Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. All done!